It’s been quite some time since I’ve opened this blog and tried to find a space for my rambling thoughts…… It’s late at night and that part of it hasn’t changed, for some reason the words flow best at the end of the day when the house is quiet.
Today, four years ago…… April 21, 2016. Forever etched in my mind as the worst day of my life. Little did I know that morning how completely different my future would look less than twelve hours later. I had gotten an early start that morning and by 8:00 I was tackling my to do list for that day. At the very top of the list was painting my front door. Gabriel went off to school on the bus and a few minutes later I had my paint brush in hand. It was a beautiful spring day and as I worked I left the door open and painted from inside the house. Just an arms length from where I worked sat a little dark haired boy.
That dark haired boy wasn’t thrilled that I was painting the door again. You see, I had just painted that very same door just about a week before this. I decided it was not the color for me and so I painted again. Logan loved that robin egg blue color that I had previously thought I would love on the front door. And what else should I expect from a little boy who loved life? This one who embraced pretty much anything that came his way and looked at the world with wonder in his eyes.
This boy who sat and played next to me while I worked. And while both of us did our thing, he sang…. Something he did fairly often. Out of his mouth came the melody, “GOD’S NOT DEAD, HE’S SURELY ALIVE!” This dear child of mine was beckoning angels to take him home to Jesus……. Less than forty eight hours later he would burst through the gates of heaven thrilled to be in the presence of the Lord.
I wonder, who you’d be today if you were still with us? You were now in heaven as many years as on earth. I have no doubt you would now be a strapping eight year old with those black eyes still sparkling and dancing just looking for the next adventure.
As we spent those twenty eight hours in the hospital by your bedside, praying for a miracle, we couldn’t imagine the future without you. We have now lived that reality for four years. Your miracle was healing in heaven. And sweet boy, I am so thankful that you get to experience our hope and future that is being with Jesus in heaven.
But my goodness do we still miss you! Time has a way of healing the raw open wounds of grief,,, But time still feels like a thief in many ways.
The days became weeks, months and then years. Taking us farther and farther from those last precious memories we had with Logan. We are not the same family we were four years ago. We’ve grown in faith and family dynamics.
Our baby boys only know Logan as being in heaven with Jesus. They will only know him by how much we talk about him and keep his memory alive. One of the ways my mama heart was broken the most in the early days of grief was the realization that I would never hold my children all at once on this earth. These baby boys were a gift in our journey of grief. They each carry a part of his personality that I believe is a true gift from God. One has that bubbly irresistible personality that draws you in and compels you to love him no matter what naughty thing he has dreamed up. The other carries those deep dark eyes that I miss so much. Did these babies meet their big brother in heaven before they were born on this earth? That I don’t know for certain, but one thing I do know is that Hudson, (who is now almost three) had a very early realization of who Logan is and that he is with Jesus.
This child, who at four years old left an impact on me and many others is now with Jesus. His big brother still misses him and his little sister has lost most of her memories of her best friend. There are so many times I think of him throughout my day. When the spring flowers are in bloom like they are these days I think of him. It never failed, he made sure to always keep fresh flowers on my kitchen windowsill. The words he sang on that last beautiful spring morning are now engraved on his tombstone.
I know that Logan is dancing and singing those very words around the throne of Jesus. A dear little girl, who just weeks after Logan was with Jesus experienced death and life in a way that not many have, saw him singing at the feet of Jesus. Such great joy this brings and what a promise!
In the midst of this pandemic that we are living in at the moment my six year old said, ‘Mom, why are people so scared of the corona virus? If we die we get to go to heaven with Jesus”. Not everyone has experienced death the way that we have and our experience had drawn us closer to heaven. I myself have realized that there is more fear hidden beneath the surface than what I realized that I had. But Jesus says in His word, unless we believe like a young child we won’t enter heaven.
And He said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”. Matthew 18:3
It doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be so simple. There doesn’t need to be a performance or expectation. Come to Jesus and He will make you a new person.
This world and all the fear these days is enough to suck the life right out of you. Surrender it to Jesus and He will give you a peace that only He can bring.
When I think about those twenty eight hours in the trauma unit of the hospital, where the only room on that floor that didn’t have a name at the entrance was my sons room. His sign simply read, CODE BLUE. In the moments when I think about if I would ever have to go into a hospital again under those circumstances, and it just about knocks the breath right out of me. The fear threatens to overtake me, but I fight daily to make sure that doesn’t happen. I know what I saw that Friday night in April when his heart stopped beating. The Lord allowed me to see just a tiny picture of the joy that Logan was experiencing.
In that very moment I saw two enormous golden gates swing wide open and I saw my four year old son running through those gates into the presence of my Jesus. The end result was not that cold hospital room in Delaware. We may have left that place without our son, but he was no longer there anyway. I felt his spirit pass from earth to heaven and we walked out of that hospital with a new understanding of heaven.
My flesh and my spirit contradict themselves daily. There are moments when I want nothing more than to have my family all here on earth under one roof. You see, when someone you love goes on to heaven. We didn’t stop loving Logan. Our grief and sadness is the love we can’t give him. The other moments my faith tells me that he is with Jesus. And he may have only had four years on this earth, but he’s the lucky one.
No matter the journey, pain, or how many years, my last destination will be heaven. What about yours?
If you have made it this far… Thank you for reading. If you would like prayer or direction on what it means to follow Jesus, please reach out to me……
May God bless you today and every day in the future….