It was January 2, 2012. The day that he entered this world. We named him Logan Jeremiah. He weighed in at 8 lbs 10 oz. He arrived four days overdue but when he made up his mind to come there was no stopping him and he arrived VERY quickly. (like he was almost born alongside the road, pretty sure my husband never wants to get that close to delivering a baby again;)
What better way to start a new year than with a brand new baby boy….. We brought him home and we snuggled him and held him close. His big brother was so incredibly proud of him and was overjoyed to have a baby brother. But we very soon figured out that this kiddo was going to keep our world anything but quiet and boring. And when he was just six days young we ended up at Ephrata Community Hospital where he was diagnosed with a severe case of RSV. Later that day we were transferred to Hershey where we would spend the next eleven days. This mama was young and scared. It was terrifying to see this precious child hooked up to all kinds of wires. It broke my mama heart to hear his cries when they wouldn’t allow him any kind of milk because the doctors feared if he would get it into his lungs it would cause pneumonia on top of the RSV. And so we prayed for this child. Begged God to heal him so that we could love on him with all that we had. And when he came home from the hospital we kept him tucked in at home most of the winter for fear of catching all the germs and viruses that fly around at this time of the year.
And for four years we got to celebrate with him on this day.
But today….. today is his second birthday in heaven. The four year old boy that I hold in my heart is now six years old. And I can’t help but wonder how they celebrate birthdays in heaven?
Little did we know that that little boy who entered the world so quickly would leave such an impact on our lives, and would leave just as quickly as he arrived.
It’s been twenty months and ten days since his heart stopped beating. There are many days when I feel like I may not be able to handle never seeing those beautiful black eyes dart back and forth, absolutely shining with life and so full of mischief. This child who constantly kept me on the tips of my toes. I truly believe he opened the doors for us in so many ways and challenged us to live outside the box. I mean this was the child who I’d take to the grocery store and at a young age he would wave and talk to everyone he saw… You see.. this mama wasn’t very social at all. I’d be scared to take a poll, but fairly certain more than one person thought I was snobby. But I just didn’t have much to say to strangers and it just felt awkward when I did try. But when you have a child who is constantly talking to everyone around him you really don’t have much of a chance. And so I learned from him. And I’m still learning through what God has done in our lives by allowing us to have four years with him…..
This boy who would stop and talk to all the old people as we vacationed on the beaches of Siesta Key. At three and four years old he could tell his life story in a few minutes to anyone who walked by. Those last two years he was with us when we would sit in our same spot on the beach almost daily, and when the little old ladies would walk by, they’d give me that look and wag their little fingers and say, “You got your work cut out for you, mama”. Not like anyone needed to remind me, since he reminded me himself quite often. This kiddo who could not wait until he was old enough to drive a monster truck. It never failed whenever a very loud car or motorcycle passed the house, he’d give me that sneaky little grin and say, ” Someday when I’m big, I’m gonna have one just like that Mom.” I’d tease him and tell him that he shouldn’t scare me like that and that he had quite a long time to change his mind. And that contagious giggle would stir up inside of him and just overflow spreading cheer just like he always did.
And today, if it’s possible, I miss him more than ever. I can’t help but wonder what kind of birthday cake he’d have chosen? Would his favorite shows still be Paw Patrol and Blaze and the Monster Machines? Would his favorite color still be orange? He loved music and whenever him and Gabriel’s favorite song came on we had a dance party in the kitchen or in the car. He would’ve lived in the truck with his daddy if he could have. The last time that he rode with EJ they went to Vermont and he loved every minute of it. Never complained about the long ride but rather was in awe and wonder of the journey….
Do I gaze with that same wonder at the journey of my life? Do I face each new day with joy and cherish it as a gift from the Lord? Do you?
If I’m being completely honest there have been plenty of days since Logan’s been gone that I have not. I have some things that definitely need a little more effort and work. Some days the dark places of my heart feel too overwhelming to confront so I just stuff them a little while longer. Sometimes the grief is just too much to bear. And it’s exhausting. Does this mean that I just lay in bed all day? Nope, actually quite the opposite. The busier I make myself with the mundane everyday things the easier it is to stuff my grief. And sometimes it is weeks until I unpack this grief and face it again. But God is teaching me that if I confront it daily by spending time in the word and in prayer there is no need to pack it away until I feel like I have the time and energy to deal with it. Ans so this child who is no longer here on earth is still teaching me…. To live beyond the walls that I’d like to build around my heart sometimes and to live each day with spontaneous joy that could only be from Jesus.
And Jesus said, Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven….. Matthew 18:3
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light…. Matthew 11:28-30
Hold your little ones close tonight and cherish every minute, because we don’t know how much time has been given to us. Press into Jesus and allow Him to reach those deep dark places in your heart that you have kept hidden for way too long……….
In love, Ada
living on hope 